gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
