Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
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