he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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