If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
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