Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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