I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Randomize
