This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Randomize
