I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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