You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
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