I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
