you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I love you. Go after that dick
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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