i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
