I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
