Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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