im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
