There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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