I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
They have beer where we have blood.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
