I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
