This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
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