I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
