Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
