I can tuck mytits in my pants
do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
The best revenge is premature balding
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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