what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
