Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
