why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
