She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
