I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
