She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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