i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
