In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Randomize
