so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
