Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Liz is crying about burritos again.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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