I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
