can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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