I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
