Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
