Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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