He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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