tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
We're too hungover to prance.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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