Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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