My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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