i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
