I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
