By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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