So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
