i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize
