How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Randomize
