Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I know her cup size but not her name....
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
