I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
