If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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