I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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