I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Randomize
